How To Be A Good Friend

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In the life design work that I facilitate, my clients take inventory of the major areas of their lives and decide where they want to grow, what they want to work on, and how they want to improve their lives. One of my clients this week chose:  I want to learn to be a better friend.

It’s interesting how this desire arose for her.   She has a friend who is going through a breakup of her marriage and isn’t handling it very well.  My client, who we’ll call Jane, feels really bad for her friend and wants to help, as does all of her other girlfriends.  However, Jane’s been observing what’s going on….watching all the other girlfriends wheeling out the advice, the should’s, even the threats.   You know how that goes, “You’d better not let him back in the house, or…..”   In the meantime, Jane sees her friend getting smaller and smaller and more and more frustrated and powerless.  And this isn’t from the husband, this is from the loving help of her friends.

Jane said it was eye-opening.  From a distance, she could see that our best attempts to befriend someone in a time of need can actually be hurtful.  And it was hurtful for her to realize that she too was guilty of the same friendship infractions.  Then she realized, she didn’t know how to be a good friend to her friend-in-need.  She asked for some lessons on how to help without telling, advising, and fixing.

This can be quite confusing because we are genuinely trying to help when we ADVISE, TRY TO FIX or TELL people what to do.  But if you stop and think about it, you don’t like it when someone tells you what you should do, do you?  Oh, you may think you want someone to give you the answer, but do you really?  First of all,  telling someone else what to do is a short term solution and creates dependency.  Let’s say  you’re right, what happens next time?   You have to tell, advise, and fix again.  Then we end up resenting the very friend that we are trying to help.

Secondly, how could you possibly  know what the answer is for someone else?  Unless your friend is mentally unable, given supportive conditions, she can figure  out  what is best for her and what she needs.  (Hint:  This is where the feeling powerful part comes from! And this is how you can really help!)

You can help by honoring the wisdom and the personal power of your friend.  You can help by acknowledging to your friend that she has what it takes to figure out what she needs and what she wants, as well as what to do next.  We empower our friends by not telling, not fixing, and certainly, not “shoulding” on them but instead by being willing to sit with them and help them to access their power, wisdom, inner gudiance and strength. (This requires quite a bit of constraint on our parts).

Jane is smart enough to know the value of listening and letting her friend pour out all of her experience – the story, the emotions, everything.   However, she doesn’t know what to do after the listening.   It is in this awkward space that we want to jump in and fix.  Resist.  This is a critical place.

This is where you can really help.  You can help by learning to ask good questions.  I say good questions, because we’re not talking about the leading, badgering questions of a defense attorney, but sincere, searching questions that are solely for the purpose of helping your friend seek out her own wisdom.

I gave my client a quick mini-lesson in how to be a coach.  As a matter of fact, if you come to my retreats or workshops, this is a big piece of the work I do. Whenever I get a group of women together, I teach them how to befriend each other – how to be each other’s life coach.

A good coach would never tell you what to do, or scare you into changing.  A good coach knows how to encourage and  empower – how to help you tap into your wisdom and strength and then design a plan based on how you want to be.  I  tell my clients  I don’t have the answers for you but I sure do have some powerful questions.

Questions like:  What do you want?  What do you really want?  What’s the real value you are trying to fulfill?  (Example:  Jane’s friend may begin to see that underneath it all, she wants to be loved and in a good relationship, but not at the expense of being with someone who doesn’t love and value her. See how that would change things up.)  You might ask, what would you have to  think, be, do  to get what you want?  How do you get in your own way?  What do you need?  What are you willing to do?  These are just some examples.  There are many, many possible questions and once you get the intention, the questions will build and flow….and so will the wisdom and strength of your friend. You will witness her begin to gain clarity, direction, and resolve right in front of your eyes.

Jane was able to honestly express that her old way of telling, advising, and “shoulding” even made her feel bad.  She said she always walked away feeling uncomfortable and deep down, she knew she wasn’t helping.   I suggest to you that when you are with someone for the sole purpose of truly helping them access their wisdom and power, this will feel much more satisfying than your old quick-fix ways.

Try this new way of holding a space for your friends to explore, express, problem solve, and resolve. Then encourage and support them with their plans.  This is the kind of friend that I want and the kind of friend that my client Jane now knows how to be.

Powerful Questions:

What kind of friend are you to a friend-in-need?

Do you listen deeply?

Do you ask powerful questions?

News: We are having the Women’s Weekend Retreat this weekend and I am so excited as it filled to capacity.  I will write about it when we return.  And I’ll take lots of pictures!

My new book, Your Possible Life:  How To Build the Life of Your Dreams, comes out NEXT WEEK!!!!

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