Last month, we talked about “who we really are” and we understand the value of seeing ourselves as spiritual, humane, loving, capable human beings. When we are aware of who we really are, we can design a more satisfying and fulfilling life. Designing the life of your dreams also requires knowing what you want. Mary Oliver, a great living American poet, says that in order to have a happy life,

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
Love what it loves.

What does the soft animal of your body love? Most of us don’t know. Not really. Not what we really desire. We all know the basics of what we want – but do we really know what our heart longs for. Unfortunately, most of us, when we were small, dependent children, learned more about what others’ wanted for us and from us. We felt we needed to please others in order to get what we wanted and, in some cases, to survive. So we invested most of our time and energy figuring out what other’s wanted and we didn’t spend much time figuring out what we wanted for ourselves. A member in our ongoing PeaceSeekers group said this morning, “I haven’t thought about my passions, about what I really wanted, since I was a small child.”

We need to know what we want so we can design a life in alignment with our deepest desires. What pleases you? What makes you feel alive? What is your life purpose? What do you really want? In our women’s weekend retreat, we go deeper and deeper into understanding our needs, wants, and desires. We start by brainstorming a list of things we want. Then we answer, “The reason I want this is ___________” and “The need or value I am trying to meet is__________.” This process leads to the source of what you want – to what you really want. In Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, The Invitation, she writes, “It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for?” What is at the emotional and spiritual core of what you want? What do you ache for?

In our exercise, after listing each want and why we want it, we confirm it by declaring aloud, “It doesn’t really interest me if I ever _____________, what I really want is_____________.” For example, after exploring the stated desire of wanting a partner we realize that it’s not just about the partner, it’s that we think having a partner will help us to enjoy life better. So we proclaim that , “It doesn’t interest me if I ever find a partner (what I said I wanted), what I really want is to thoroughly appreciate and enjoy my life and be happy”. You can see how this automatically opens up many more possibilities to help us get what we want. We realize that until my partner comes along I can find many other ways to enjoy my life.

According to Oriah Mountain Dreamer, there are several deep core desires that we all share. We all desire peace – and not necessarily world peace (although that is a huge desire), but internal peace. This is the kind of inner peace that truly allows us to relax – where we breathe and let go. We are all sorely in need of deep replenishing rest in our lives. We want peace.

We also desire security – to feel safe in our environment. Not only physical safey but emotional safety as well. The desire for security however can be a slippery slope because one truth we all know is that everything changes. In our lives, up can become down, and good can become bad. Maybe security comes from trusting ourselves to know that we will handle whatever comes our way. We want to be able to trust ourselves. We also all want to love well and be loved well. And along with this comes the common basic human desire for intimacy and connectedness. Ask yourself, what do I really want? You may find deeper values like creativity, integrity, or effectiveness attached to your desires.

This is also about allowing yourself to dream again. I have for a long time dreamed of being an inspirational teacher. Someone who truly makes a difference in the lives of others. When I explore this dream I find that I what I really want is to be connected with other people on a meaningful level. This is what my soul desires and doing this kind of work allows me to do that. But I can also meet this desire in other ways. I can meet it in my personal relationships. It doesn’t just have to be through my work. I can meet my need in casual encounters with other people. I can make every interaction I have meaningful if that is my intention and my desire. I just have to make it conscious and be aware that this is what I want. So, “It doesn’t really interest me if I ever become an inspirational teacher, what I really want is to have caring, meaningful connections with other people that will make a difference in their lives.”

So after you ask yourself, “Who Am I Really?”, ask yourself the equally empowering question, “What Do I Really Want?” In the future columns, we will be asking more powerful questions like “What’s my Vision?” “What are my Obstacles?” “What’s my Personal Philosophy about Life? “What Energizes Me and What De-Energizes Me? And the most powerful and important question of all – “Knowing all of this, How then shall I Live?” Living in alignment with your deepest truths, values, dreams, desires and life purpose is no small order. It requires enormous focus and self-love. We need all the help we can get. We can see how attaching what we want to deeper values helps to energize and empower us to get what we want. This is vital and necessary information for designing the life of your dreams.